Effing Dykes Offers: What Lies Beneath (The Woman Nails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer woman blog which is hilarious and wise and slightly raunchy and
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. Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to set apart time acquire drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, if you haven’t currently. Just make sure you return right here to learn this blog post, because it’s special, as previously mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WOULD LIKE TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Ensure you get your buddy. Everybody had gotten your own pal? Good. Hold on tight tight to your pal’s hand.

‘Cause this will be a true tale.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, whenever I was so newly gay I didn’t have any idea I Found Myself recently gay…

An meet older lesbians from the now-defunct queer bar called


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely just there to dancing)


provided me with some guidance:

1)


Never ever open a mutual checking account together with your enthusiast



2)


Never fake orgasms



3)


Be certain that a woman’s nails are clean.

The sensible lesbian was at her late 40’s, a generation thus far far from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn’t also think about just what it needs to be like to be so ancient.

How sad, I Imagined. Right here she is at a bar and she’s outdated. I really hope Really don’t find yourself depressed like this lady.

Isn’t it enjoyable is the center of your very own market?

What only a little shit I found myself.

For reasons uknown, though, I was presented with from

Za’s


that evening repeating the woman three policies to me.

Whenever I woke upwards, I thought ones.

It actually was a lot like for the sterling silver seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to keep in mind The indicators.


Don’t become you don’t re-read your own Narnia boxed-set at least once annually.

In any event! throughout the years, i usually recalled the 3 existence lessons the lesbian had trained me personally. The woman advice generated feeling.

We never opened a mutual bank account with any individual.

I never faked orgasms once more following first few occasions I did it, realizing I was, actually, dooming myself to a continuous cycle of shitty sex by satisfying bad overall performance using my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly covertly inspected a woman’s fingernails before I slept together with her.

Small? Check.

No rough borders? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It’s search time.

But why, nymphos?


What is the big deal about nails?


What’s with all the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Exactly What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. It is more challenging to bang with extended nails. You might perhaps puncture a lung or something like that.

But it’s perhaps not difficult. I have had long nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em is not everything tough — you merely ensure that you utilize the shields of your own fingers.

So just why ended up being that lesbian very emphatic about clean nails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to do some debunking.

Definitely nothing could truly occur if you got fucked by somebody with filthy fingernails.

And we remembered an account so terrible I’d nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor crap can happen.

This scary story involves us thanks to my good-looking pal ”


Cai



,” who’s got viewed a lot more cunt in temperature than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.

Okay.

Cai


was at Miami whenever she came across an extremely hot femme we’ll contact


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks cooking, dressed in a leopard-print bikini, had enormous silver hoops that shimmered in the light, and in addition held one of the finest asses


Cai


had actually observed.

She covertly texted me a photo of

Katie

from the share so she could boast, and that I texted right back,


“I would personally hit that till my personal hand fell off.”

Therefore, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that night. There was indeed some severe sipping.

While undressing


Katie


into the half-light,


Cai


watched something she had not truly seen before:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot prevent the mental picture of these nails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic sex commenced.

Cai


also permit

Katie


screw the girl, despite the fact that she ordinarily never ever lets anybody do that. What the hell, she thought. Heading house tomorrow. Never ever see this woman once more. I will get topped for per night.

Let us fast-forward a couple weeks, shall we?

Some thing was actually incorrect with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, honestly incorrect. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things was oozing from this. As soon as we say some What i’m saying is exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


would not go directly to the lady-doctor.

Because being encouraging is really what friendship is all about, when she told me, we said,


“So you ultimately had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, certainly have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, the very first time previously


(she was 28),


to our queer-friendly neighborhood gyno clinic.

They don’t know what ended up being incorrect together with her.

They tested this lady for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some discomfort. She required answers. She were placing the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost a month now.

So that they provided the lady an ultrasound.

AND ARE YOU WILLING TO DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND.

Genital tears. All over the inside her vag.

Many rips.

Cai


was torn to shreds. Her insides happened to be clinging in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday celebration ornaments inside.

And every little thing – every finally inches – was infected.

It could look that when Katie made use of the woman fabulous lengthy fingernails to offer

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no body understood that her fingernails were also a festering reproduction soil for



microbial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


states have been a stone-cold very top ever since.

My personal best friend wikipedia claims you can acquire nasty bacterial infections from dirty nails. It seems that, there are occasionally staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that may trigger any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna say.

That wise lesbian ended up being spot-on together with her life classes.

Never open a combined bank checking account with your enthusiast.

Never ever artificial orgasms.

And holy mama of god, examine a fresh technique’s fingernails before banging.

Or perhaps you are doomed to experience the fate of Cai.

THE FINISH

I have to ask yourself, however…

Have any of y’all previously gotten everything nasty from another girl’s fingers?

Or observed someone who did?

Or perhaps is this typically



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan misconception?

My hands are inching towards the travel-sized Purell package.

Now I need solutions.